The Obituary
I wasn’t happy about her death,
but it was expected. Shelly smoked, drank—like a fish—and never looked healthy.
Her partying gold digger boyfriend John, only added to her overall
deterioration.
John, in polite company, was a lush, but in honest company, he was a sponge
ready and willing to soak up any amount of funds he could get his hands on.
Someday Shelly’s replacement will find a trail that leads to John, and a lot of
used up missing cash. But what does that have to do with Shelly’s obituary?
Plenty.
To be sympathetic, the obit was written by one of Shelly’s sisters. As a
family they all seemed close, but you could tell there were differences among the Strunk clan. Shelly and her twin
Kelly were both average looking, slightly unattractive, and both had the same
habits. The other two sisters, were more
health conscious, obviously did better in school, and married successful people.
Let’s take some actual quotes from the real obituary. “Died after a courageous battle with cancer.”
False, she went where her money could take her but never made any attempt to
battle the disease. She continued to smoke, and drink— to newer higher
excesses—and never made any attempt to change her life. There was nothing
courageous about it, she gave up the day she was diagnosed.
Next.
“Never one to sit idle, even for a moment.” False, she only came to work
when she had to, she hated her boring job, and frequently came in late,
sleeping off a hangover. When she did arrive, usually after ten in the morning,
she left for a two hour liquid lunch, and returned to her office late. But
let’s be fair, she did work past closing time, sometimes as late as five
thirty. Of course, after closing time,
it was drinking time. Shelly was an
alcoholic.
Next.
“She had an abundance of pride for her only son Stephen.” She loved her kid, in her own miserable
drunken sot way—but pride? Not by a long shot.
She complained to the staff openly about the number of times he was in
re-hab, she constantly shook her head in disgrace at him when he came in the
business with really dark, old fart, sunglasses on to ask for money. She had to fire her own son at least six
times from a cushy job that he never deserved.
Next.
“Shelly shared a most
unique bond with her identical twin sister Kelly.” True. They were both party animals in their youth,
they were both unhappily married on the same day, both divorced quickly after
they realized their first husbands could only have sex with them when they (
the husbands )were drunk.
Next.
Okay, so it isn’t wine and roses. It wasn’t
a fairy tale life. After all the fancy words someone lost a family member, and
a sponge lost a revenue stream.
But why write a bunch of lies? Of course we all have a tendency to think
about ourselves in a state of constant regard for our family and friends,
always caring, always loving, and always thoughtful. We never see ourselves living—not for one
single moment— in pursuit of selfish pleasure. So why do we write a bunch of
lies about the dead?
Because the truth hurts too much.