“My
guest tonight will read from Alfred Lord Tennyson’s works.”
“Bill
wake-up.”
“Huh, what,
oh, was I sleeping?”
“You dozed
a little, musta been having a bad dream. Figured I best wake you, snap you out
of it.”
“Benny, It
was a horrible dream. David on QVC had a guest and they were talking about
blueberry apple scones.”
“You don’t
watch QVC.”
“My mom
does, she’s always buying stuff on that channel, I hate it. They really sucker
in the old folks with their charm and easy payments.”
“Do you
remember any of it?”
“Any of what…?”
“The dream,”
implored Benny.
“Oh yea, it
was horrible. After the blueberry apple scones David Kitchens and his guest,
Shantel from New Orleans were cooking fire breathing kale and shrimp from the
new roaster that was only three easy payments of $99 a month. Then Shantel
disappeared and Calypso Vega came on the set and cooked Coconut veggie burgers
in a tropical colored grill that automatically cleaned itself for four low easy
payments with your Q card of just $119 a month, but it didn’t end there.”
“What
happened next?”
“Miranda
came out and started selling ten inch tablets, that were Andriods, and you
could hang them like pictures or take them to the office, and hook them to the
cloud, or connect them to 3D printers that made thousands of toys for kids you
don’t have and then turn the toys into life managers that could buy more apps
without your permission, and drain your bank account.”
“That’s our
modern world. Its breeding laziness and ignorance, soon we’ll all be stupid.”
“Yeah,
you’re right about that. So any way the dream shifted to my mom watching these
purveyors of delusional lives constantly selling crap and I freaked out. She
was sitting there in her recliner, talking and rambling about ‘I could use
that. Wow, only nine easy pays, and I could have a rolling cart that is
turquoise—which goes with my new grill—so I can put my nutty blaster on the
other counter to make fritters for your papa.’ Mom, Dad doesn’t eat fritters, I
told her. She just waved me off like I was some nonsensical idiot trying to
delude her with crazy ideas. Yeah in the
dream I turned into the bad guy, my Mom thought I was evil trying to stop her
from happiness.”
“Did she
throw something at you like last time?”
“No, this
time it got worse before it got better. Miranda disappeared and Lori from Shark
tank came on selling jewelry with a model. The model was cute, nice brown hair,
long and wavy, but the horror was soon unveiled. Lori opened up a case for
jewels that constantly opened into new and ever expanding sections. It had
draws that had more draws, and doors that were hidden behind more doors, soon I
was trapped by emeralds and diamonds behind a thousand doors and no-way out. Mom
was in her recliner saying ‘I want that, I need that.’ She got on the phone and
asked if she could get three easy Q card payments. Lori talked to her, smiling
right into the camera, pulling her in, taking her back to her youth, dreaming
of glamour, and having the desires of strong affectionate men. I’m telling you,
my mom saw herself as twenty-five again, and partying on Lori’s yacht. She
bought the case. Lori thanked her then disappeared. I screamed at the top of my
lungs STOP! STOP!”
“Is that
when I woke you?”
“No, there
was a moment of peace; suddenly I was a guest on re-runs of Q & A on
C-Span. Brian Lamb asked me about my new book of Tennyson quotes and other
thoughts. I responded to several enlightening questions that brought viewers to
the inner-sanctum of deep thought. But my Mom called in and said right on the
phone, to a national audience, ‘My sons an idiot. He wouldn’t know how to write
a book on anything that really matters. Like how do you bake coconut custard
pudding while reading your eBook in your motorized reclining chair while
watching QVC and never have to get up and turn on the oven. That’s what’s
important in life.’
“It’s like
Mick says, ‘you can’t get no satisfaction,’” Benny commented, then added, “Let’s
make a pizza.”
Finished version of this story is titled Home Shopping. It's in my latest book, Conversations.
Finished version of this story is titled Home Shopping. It's in my latest book, Conversations.
Copyright © 2015
Artemis J Jones
#FlashFiction This is a draft.