“My guest tonight will read from Alfred Lord Tennyson’s works.”
    “Bill wake-up.”
   “Huh, what, oh, was I sleeping?”
   “You dozed a little, musta been having a bad dream. Figured I best wake you, snap you out of it.”
   “Benny, It was a horrible dream. David on QVC had a guest and they were talking about blueberry apple scones.”
   “You don’t watch QVC.”
   “My mom does, she’s always buying stuff on that channel, I hate it. They really sucker in the old folks with their charm and easy payments.”
   “Do you remember any of it?”
   “Any of what…?”
   “The dream,” implored Benny.
   “Oh yea, it was horrible. After the blueberry apple scones David Kitchens and his guest, Shantel from New Orleans were cooking fire breathing kale and shrimp from the new roaster that was only three easy payments of $99 a month. Then Shantel disappeared and Calypso Vega came on the set and cooked Coconut veggie burgers in a tropical colored grill that automatically cleaned itself for four low easy payments with your Q card of just $119 a month, but it didn’t end there.”
   “What happened next?”
   “Miranda came out and started selling ten inch tablets, that were Andriods, and you could hang them like pictures or take them to the office, and hook them to the cloud, or connect them to 3D printers that made thousands of toys for kids you don’t have and then turn the toys into life managers that could buy more apps without your permission, and drain your bank account.”
   “That’s our modern world. Its breeding laziness and ignorance, soon we’ll all be stupid.”
   “Yeah, you’re right about that. So any way the dream shifted to my mom watching these purveyors of delusional lives constantly selling crap and I freaked out. She was sitting there in her recliner, talking and rambling about ‘I could use that. Wow, only nine easy pays, and I could have a rolling cart that is turquoise—which goes with my new grill—so I can put my nutty blaster on the other counter to make fritters for your papa.’ Mom, Dad doesn’t eat fritters, I told her. She just waved me off like I was some nonsensical idiot trying to delude her with crazy ideas.  Yeah in the dream I turned into the bad guy, my Mom thought I was evil trying to stop her from happiness.”
   “Did she throw something at you like last time?”
   “No, this time it got worse before it got better. Miranda disappeared and Lori from Shark tank came on selling jewelry with a model. The model was cute, nice brown hair, long and wavy, but the horror was soon unveiled. Lori opened up a case for jewels that constantly opened into new and ever expanding sections. It had draws that had more draws, and doors that were hidden behind more doors, soon I was trapped by emeralds and diamonds behind a thousand doors and no-way out. Mom was in her recliner saying ‘I want that, I need that.’ She got on the phone and asked if she could get three easy Q card payments. Lori talked to her, smiling right into the camera, pulling her in, taking her back to her youth, dreaming of glamour, and having the desires of strong affectionate men. I’m telling you, my mom saw herself as twenty-five again, and partying on Lori’s yacht. She bought the case. Lori thanked her then disappeared. I screamed at the top of my lungs STOP! STOP!”
   “Is that when I woke you?”
   “No, there was a moment of peace; suddenly I was a guest on re-runs of Q & A on C-Span. Brian Lamb asked me about my new book of Tennyson quotes and other thoughts. I responded to several enlightening questions that brought viewers to the inner-sanctum of deep thought. But my Mom called in and said right on the phone, to a national audience, ‘My sons an idiot. He wouldn’t know how to write a book on anything that really matters. Like how do you bake coconut custard pudding while reading your eBook in your motorized reclining chair while watching QVC and never have to get up and turn on the oven. That’s what’s important in life.’
   “It’s like Mick says, ‘you can’t get no satisfaction,’” Benny commented, then added, “Let’s make a pizza.”

    Finished version of this story is titled Home Shopping. It's in my latest book, Conversations.
Copyright © 2015
Artemis J Jones

#FlashFiction  This is a draft.

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